Woodlands, TX –
Church service was going normally at Woodlands Church until congregation member, Lana Sewell, stood, her fiery eyes locked onto a cross behind the pastor, and began to shake her fist and damn God.
“I have to paraphrase, because I don’t remember everything, but it went something like: ‘If you’re so godamn perfect and created everything so goddamn perfectly why do you make me bleed painfully out my vagina once a month? I can’t take anymore visits from cousin Red, you goddamn asshole!’”
Her alarmed husband and several concerned women quickly escorted a wildly thrashing Mrs. Sewell from the cathedral to the women’s bathroom.
“I had arrived to the ladies room a bit later after they had gotten her in,” another church member said. “Lana had removed her panties and was writhing in pain on the bathroom floor and from what I saw it was a heavy, heavy flow day. Luckily, I had an extra absorbent tampon and a sweat suit out in my Deville and was able to help stop the bleeding and provide her with a change of clothes.”
Her husband quipped that he has come to call her period, “shark week.”
The pastor said she should learn not to question God’s ways, ask God’s forgiveness for using His name in vain, and if her pain is that unbearable — get a radical hysterectomy.