ROME –
A bizarre ancient document was recently discovered in the archives of the Vatican. Signed by an unknown author named Varmachi the document claims Varmachi was the best friend of Christ and luridly describes their wild party and sex lives. Varmachi is mentioned nowhere in the Bible.
“It’s very nasty,” a Vatican spokesman said. “It speaks of threesomes, orgies, Jesus Christ getting so drunk he would vomit on his own robe, using prostitutes, gay sex. I know Jesus was just a man, a sinner like all of us, but could it be he was really this raunchy?”
The Varmachi document said Jesus stopped partying before age thirty when he felt he had to get serious about being the Savior; however, before that, Varmachi said Christ’s life centered exclusively around sex, drugs and drink.
Translated section from the Varmachi document:
“Jesus and I went to the house. There were many prostitutes. Jesus took three women and two men. I took three women and a boy. We smoked. We drank more than we should. We all copulated. First time Jesus and I kissed… with tongues.”
The document also describes Jesus and Varmachi taking a mushroom that would cause them to have visions.
“Jesus saw many visions after eating the mushroom,” Varmachi said. “Pink bears holding hands and singing. Satan flying around the room. Then he vomited. We drank more wine. Got prostitutes. Played with whips.”
The Vatican has made it clear the full document will not be released to the scholarly community until they try to further authenticate.
“The worst part for me was the claim that Jesus liked to drink fermented blood he drew from prostitutes,” the Vatican spokesman said. “I don’t want to think he would participate in blood drinking, but I don’t really know what he did for all those unaccounted years.”