CLEVELAND –
Toby Williamson has been struggling with obesity his entire life. He has tried every diet from Atkins, the Paleolithic Diet, The Stress Diet and even the controversial Tapeworm Diet (ingesting beef tape worms which interfere with digestion and absorption causing weight loss) with only short term results.
“I was fat as shit,” Williamson said. “Couldn’t even wipe myself normally. Had to use a window squeegee. No girls liked me. I lost my job at Wendy’s because I got so winded.”
After losing his job, Toby moved in with his little sister, collected unemployment and spent his days lying naked on an old mattress watching reality TV.
“When I was beached on that mattress I would watch and dream about being on Storage Wars (A&E reality TV show), but I knew to become a reality TV star (outside of weight loss reality programs) I would have to do something about my fat.”
Upon that realization, Toby rolled over on his back, clasped his hands, and cried out to God to help him lose enough weight so he could pursue his dream.
“I gained twenty pounds. God did nothing for me,” Williams said. “He made it worse.”
That’s when Toby’s little sister turned him onto Satanism.
“My little sis had been a Devil Worshipper for two months about and said she thought worshipping the Antichrist might be a great way to lose weight.”
His sister set up a Satanic ceremony where Toby and a group of Satanists chanted for Satan to help Toby lose weight. They sacrificed kittens, sucked blood from their carcasses, and ended the evening with an orgy.
“I woke up the next day ten pounds lighter and feeling awesome,” Williams said. “From then on I prayed to the Prince of Darkness to continue to help me and, amazingly, I kept shedding the pounds.”
Toby not only lost weight, he gained muscle definition without exercise, his teeth got whiter and his penis even grew.
“I’m 400lbs lighter. People can’t believe how different I look. I get so much poontang now. My life is f***n great.”
But the big question: Will Toby fulfill his dream of being on Storage Wars?
“Satan has been telling me over and over to kill myself and I’m going to obey him because he’s done nothing but help me. I owe him.”